Life in the Complexity

Life is often a search for clarity. For understanding and truth.

This is true for many, many people. Religion, beliefs, philosophy, even science, all were created and are practiced in a search for clarity. Humans strive for it. Very few are content with the simplicities that we all possess. We want to know more, to understand more, to find the clarity.

I myself am very much a part of this. My whole life has been in search of clarity. I am constantly looking for understanding and growth. I am not trying to say this is a bad thing, in fact, I think it is a positive thing. I am just relaying how it is in my world.

While, at this point in my life, I feel more grounded, more sure, more clear on who I am in in certain aspects, the more I grow and the more questions I answer about myself, the more new questions pop up.

Recently, I have taken this too hard and have been consumed with thoughts like "maybe there is no answer," "maybe I can't find myself," "maybe there isn't anything to find," and "why do I even try?" Complexity was always the enemy, and clarity the goal.

I have stopped these thoughts. Complexity is as much a part of my life as the clarity. Finding who I am is as much a search for my complexities as it is for my truths. I will always keep trying to find myself, keep trying to understand things and grow. But I will not ignore and challenge the complexities to do this. I will bask in them, and let them help me find what I want.

The Orientation of it All

-- Why must a homosexual male be attracted to masculinity just because he's attracted to other biological males? --

Why?

I consistently hear the following statement (in terms of gay men here): "What is the point of liking men if he looks like a girl?"

I hear this on the street. In classes. In deep late-night discussions. From men; from women. From heterosexuals; from homosexuals. From all sorts of people from all different places in life.

This is always a rather puzzling statement, or argument as some use it, to me. Since when is sexual orientation dependent on masculinity or femininity? Since when does it have anything to do with masculinity and femininity?

I understand the idea of personal taste, of which sexual orientation is obviously a part. Preferences. Tastes. Likes & Dislikes. These are only natural I agree.

Some people prefer, or are physically attracted to, others of the male biological sex and some the female biological sex and some any manner of other people. Check. Some people are attracted to "masculine" men, some to "masculine" women, some to "feminine" women, some to "feminine" men, some to people that reject the idea of rigid "femininities" & "masculinities." (As a note, I am one of the later). Check.

The part that I find confusing is how these two sets of preferences (biological sex and attributes of so-called "masculinity & femininity") have become so closely intertwined; so close that people do not see the difference and pass judgement on them interchangeably.

When did that happen? How did that happen? Why did that happen?

I could care less how each person feels. Preferences are inherently personal and only apply to the individual that claims them. To each there own, you might say. No matter who you are, you can like whatever and whomever you would like.

To the point: Keep in mind that neither of these basic preferences is a blanket for all people. People are different. Every single one of them. I know that boggles your mind and you cannot process all these people without these boxes. Get over it. You don't need to understand and process everything. Let people be who they want.

So, in terms of the first question that I always hear: The point of liking a guy who looks like a girl is that he is biologically male. Masculine, feminine, or anything else has no affect on that. Those are different preferences, just like his religion, his beliefs, his humor, his personality, his life, all the other determinants in looking for a romantic partner.

Stop putting them together. You sound ignorant. You spread hate. Stop it.

Horoscopage

I am not a particularly superstition person. I do not follow the signs, or moods, or whatever of the moon. I do not read fate, magic, or stuff being meant-to-be into every situation. And I do not religiously follow my horoscope.

This does not mean I am above such things, however. I do enjoy the feeling of something larger, something magical, something meant-to-be at certain times.

There is an app on my iPod Touch for horoscopes. In the large scheme I rarely use it. But, at times, I do enjoy to read what it has to say (there are many sub categories of horoscope available). When I read them I do find it amusing, or at least a little special, when they coincide well with my life.

For instance.

Today, Fridays, 'scopes are as follows for me (the interesting ones anyway):

Quickie: "Your balance is off. Keep a low profile until you've got your equilibrium back." True.

Love: "The secret to successful dating is realizing that your happiness is entirely in your own hands -- not someone else's." True. And something I have been struggling a lot with lately.

Astroslam (lol): "If you're obsessed with figuring everything out, you run the risk of missing the point entirely. Relax." True. Again a struggle.

Nothing that spectacular, you say. True. Mundane and even typical and bland really. Never the less, they do coincide with my life as it is right now. I take that for what I will. There is a somewhat nice feeling in reading them, however. No point in denying that.

Clarity Disrupted

So my brother saw the new bag I purchased, this morning. And he said a few things that I have been lost in thought about ever since. He was very supportive as always so it is not about that at all. But eventually we got into the point in our discussion of it where he said: "It was designed for a woman." He said that we can change who wears it and what people think but not that it was "designed for a woman." Or a man on the other hand. This statement made me think.

My first reaction was anger and I wanted to jump into defense mode. But I stopped myself so that I had more time to think. Our conversation fizzled out, but I am still pondering what he said. It makes me uncomfortable and do not want that to be true, but I have a feeling that it might be. I am not sure what to think, or how to counteract this observation.

My deep thoughts on the subject, at least as of now, have been to no avail. So I am putting the subject out here so that hopefully I can find some clarity on it, and hopefully someone will comment and give me their opinion on this. I see trouble for PronounMe if I cannot get past this.

Please comment.