Part of Your World (C*Nicole Style!)

I am video happy. Here is me, yet again, making a fool of myself on camera. I've only ever wanted to be a Disney princess. So, yes. This is what happens :)

Enjoy!

If you make a video for me singing a song (ANY SONG) I will pretty much love you forever. Send it to me somehow! :)

<3 's

Tendencies

I have a tendency to proclaim things to the world. It goes well with my the-world-can-shove-it attitude. Things are so much easier when you put something out there and give the world an ultimatum: deal with me or shut the hell up. At least they are for me.

So, I proclaim things. It keeps me from having to really think about myself and what I want; both of which are really hard for me to do. Especially since I don't tend to "fit in," if that is even possible. I never have.

For the last few years I have taken the approach of always needing to fight. For me, and for others like me. I am not like you, well, I am going to fight until you get used to it. This way of things really has consumed me. Now I fight without thinking. I fight people that really are not against me; people I should never fight.

It is time for me to end both.

I should do things for me. Not for the world. Not to fit in. Not to give advice that I really know nothing of. The only say I have, the only experience I have is my own. I should not presume to think that anyone goes through the same things or is the same; so how can I give advice? I won't anymore; at least for the reasons I have in the past.

Who I am, who I want to be, what I like, and how I feel are of no consiquence to the world. They belong to me. I have control over them, and they belong to me. They are mine. I do not need to proclaim them, or even share them.

They are mine.

The fighting and antagonism is done. I don't need them. The world doesn't need more of them. I will stand up for me and protect me, but I will do so rationally, thoughtfully, and with full control of the reasons I am fighting.

It is time I live for me.

Go.

The Bottom & the Falsehood of Such.

It is a common saying that "you have to hit rock-bottom before you can recover" or "know the darkness before you can see the light."

I understand where this comes from. I believe it now.

You can fake it. Fake the emotion. Fake the pain. The world may never even know. But everyone has a different rock-bottom; a different set of things that will bring them down; a different set of failures and mistakes. You need to reach it if you are to overcome it.

As for me, well, the jury is out on that one. Who knows if there is farther for me to fall? Who knows if I can get past it? What I need to get past it? Or if I even know of it yet?

All I know is this: the pain and the low I am in now are anything but fake.

I can fake anything. Any emotion that I want you to see is the one you will see. If only you knew how fake it all is. How fake most things I do, say... feel are. Falsehoods are extreme when you have to look back on your life to notice them. You get so caught up in the lie you are living, the fake pain or happiness you are projecting on the world that it almost becomes your life. It almost becomes you.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and try to count and keep track of all the personas I have created. Some are for good reason, some are for protection or happiness or love. Others I look at, and no matter how hard I try I cannot find a reason for them. A purpose for them being there. And yet I uphold them without so much as a flinch.

Perhaps it is Karma? I wouldn't classify myself as a necessarily bad person. On the contrary, the main victim of everything I do is me. But I am still a liar. I am fake.

It is easy to fake oppression, hate, strength, and fear when you have none. Why I did this? I do not know. It is all different when you have them. When they appear and never leave your thoughts. When they constantly and forever darken your horizon. When they control your life.

It is easy to be strong when the only things your strength is fighting are in your mind.

This is not easy.

Evanescence - "Tourniquet"

Contact Me

I am not gone. (Well in some ways)

You can contact me in all of the following ways:

Phone. I always have it. I will not be posting my number. But if you want it 'cause for some reason you don't have it, well, ask me for it.

Emails: Plentiful!

pronounme@gmail.com & natashanicoleisfabulous@gmail.com

I always have them open so I will get any messages right away.

The Natasha facebook is still up as well. Just search for Natasha Nicole or go to http://www.facebook.com/pronounme. I will add anyone.

Love to you all! I will be back in full eventually. Just need a little space for now.

I'll blog ever nows and thens :)

Horoscopage

I am not a particularly superstition person. I do not follow the signs, or moods, or whatever of the moon. I do not read fate, magic, or stuff being meant-to-be into every situation. And I do not religiously follow my horoscope.

This does not mean I am above such things, however. I do enjoy the feeling of something larger, something magical, something meant-to-be at certain times.

There is an app on my iPod Touch for horoscopes. In the large scheme I rarely use it. But, at times, I do enjoy to read what it has to say (there are many sub categories of horoscope available). When I read them I do find it amusing, or at least a little special, when they coincide well with my life.

For instance.

Today, Fridays, 'scopes are as follows for me (the interesting ones anyway):

Quickie: "Your balance is off. Keep a low profile until you've got your equilibrium back." True.

Love: "The secret to successful dating is realizing that your happiness is entirely in your own hands -- not someone else's." True. And something I have been struggling a lot with lately.

Astroslam (lol): "If you're obsessed with figuring everything out, you run the risk of missing the point entirely. Relax." True. Again a struggle.

Nothing that spectacular, you say. True. Mundane and even typical and bland really. Never the less, they do coincide with my life as it is right now. I take that for what I will. There is a somewhat nice feeling in reading them, however. No point in denying that.

PIGGIES! - A Life Update

So I know you are all dying to know what is going on in my life; don't even try to deny it. So here we go!

I am sitting here waiting for my newest video, Beach!, to upload. Can you guess what it is about? Here, I will help you, it is about the BEACH! Wow, amazing I know. Anyway it is just the randomness that was my freezing cold trip to Ocean Shores, WA on my recent trip to Seattle. The wind was howling SO loud that you could not here a word I said, but fear not, I made some lovely insights in a voice-over from my warm and cozy desk at home. The video also features (for the first time EVER; yeah, that's right, EVER) my new promo/opener/what-cha-ma-callit for PronounMe. It is rather drab actually, but I am just getting used to and learning the whole editing software thing, so give me a break. I am already working on a new one actually, go figure! Until then, enjoy what you got!

I had a lovely time over Thanksgiving break. For those of you who *pay attention, (WAKE UP!) I took a trip with my family out to see my grandparents in Seattle, WA. The trip was not super eventful (minus the Beach! and a trip to Columbia Center, the tallest building in Seattle, both of which will be featured in videos shortly so that y'all can see) but it was nice to see family. We had a wonderful, and mostly vegan, Thanksgiving dinner. It was quite fantabulous as always. I have pictures I should share...

- This is all the food (actually not all but most) after I tried to stuff it on my

plate. I didn't have room :(. It was all delicious! And notice, NO TURKEY! No Tofurkey either, I can't stand that stuff. But yes it was all very yummy. I am sad

we did not get to take the leftovers...

I am listening to an amazing song by Alex Day at the moment, Holding On. I love it. He is special special. But that was an interjection...

Nothing else out of the ordinary has happened too recently. I am very close to either killing or leaving the At&t Monster, as I now call it. Basically, if you really want to talk to me DON'T call me. I won't see your call coming in and probably won't get the message till a few hours later. It is madness I tell you! So yeah, text me if you need to, or find me online somewhere. Cellphones are dead. Lol, well at least until I deal with the At&t Monster.

I have recently become aware that there are a large number of pictures on my phone that I have been meaning to blog about, so look for those in the near future. And keep an eye out for my awesome videos! They are slowly getting better, I hope.

Much love to you all! I hope you all had a fantabulous and fantastical December 1st!

C

*Guess what! If you actually DO pay attention, and read this before, well... to very long, then write me comment/tweet me/facebook me/something to get my attention. Then bi-goli (sp) I owe you a sweet something! Yes, I know you are writing your fingers off as we, or I, speak.

Life Update

So, wow, I just looked at things and realized it has been a while since I have updated things. Can you tell it has been a busy week? Yes, yes it has.

Although it is a good point to suggest you all follow me on Twitter (http://twitter.com/PronounMe). I update that a whole lot more! It is much faster. And you don't have to read as much of my boringness. Yay! So ya, enough of that little promo.

.

Life, recently, has been somewhat rocky. Not gonna lie. I have, at least I feel, reinvented my life, or at least tried to. I have devoted my life to truly being me, no matter what others think, as well as trying to love everyone at least a little. For the most part this has been ok. But it also seems to have plunged me into some bad feelings. Not because I dislike these choices, but because of hardships that have surfaced because of them.

For one, I feel like I have separated, or am slowly moving apart, from a very large extent of my close friends and past support network. I have now somewhat come to terms with this. A major issue is that, even though they have helped me through so very much, and I am so very greatful, the ones I have talked to don't really understand the things I am going through now and so struggle to support me. And many others I have just not talked to (or talked to only about their problems). And this is ok, I guess. Just means that I need to find a different network to help me through these new things (if such people exist).

Not that I will, or ever would, truly leave the wonderful friends in my life. I just feel that we have moved to a different level together. I am not being clear. Lets change the subject.

One quick note though, on the loving everyone idea. For the most part that is true. But don't take that to mean I really love everyone. I do have a limit. And people can easily throw away my love for them by what they do. I do not love the haters, I pity them. And I do truly hate some people, like the idiots who sat around watching that girl get raped in California. But then again, they cannot be classified as truly human. So there we go. Moral of the story though: I love you, but don't push me.

To concentrate on the high points (not high that way!) or at least the parts that have made me feel a little better: I got my haircut the other day! Yay! I know you are all excited. It has blue purple in it! I will try to get a picture. Also, I found another amazing pair of jeans at Savers the other day! And hopefully tomorrow will be going out to get some new stuff for my trip. And then of course I have had a few times of shoe shopping! Didn't buy anything, but trying them on always makes me feel so much better.

And then best of all, on Sunday I leave for Seattle!I love that city so damn much. I will blog a whole more about that when I get out there. But basically I am super super stoked! Hopefully, it will pull me out of these crappy feelings I have been stuck in recently.

Ok I am done with this post for now. I will update a little more since I will have some free time this next week. But again, Twitter guys. Even if you don't have one, you can see my latest Tweets in the side bar ---->>

Luv

My New Purse

This is how I do a purse! That's right y'all. I find it fabulous (although I am slowly altering it already). What do you think? Oh wait, thats right, I love it and thats all that matters! :)

Don't forget to keep an eye out for my new video chronicling all the new things I bought (and more!!)

The Word "Fabulous"

My new video: "Fabulous."

What do you think?!

Networking Pictures

Random thoughts come to me all the time. Usually they end up on Twitter. But anyway, I was thinking earlier how amazing it is how much pressure is put on pictures for social dating sites.

I have plenty of them, and recently, completely by accident, I did a little experiment. I had one picture up (nothing bad; get your mind out of that gutter!) for a long time. Well, a few months. And had had no real response at all. I didn't really realize or mind this since the internet is just secondary anyway, more for fun. And I was just too busy to even update it.

So then the other day, I changed my picture to a different one (still not dirty!). It was basically the same. I mean not spectacular. And yet, I got five new messages THAT DAY. I was like, wow. Either that is a crazy coincidence or my first picture really really really sucked.

Just made me think.... hmmm kinda scary really