A Split in Personality

I asked one of my closest friends the other day whether they ever felt as if they had two people, or at least two conflicting parts of their being and personality, within them. And then further, if they ever felt as if it would be nice or better to be two separate people at times.

Their response was one of agreement, although less so (or in a different way) than how I feel.

Sometimes I get the feeling, or even a strong urge, to be two very different people. Parts of that stem from the fluidity of my gender and sexuality, while other times it feels as though it comes from a more interest-based or living without restraint sort of place.

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a person that you could be, and be exactly who you want all the time, and not worry about what others think, or if they care, or if you look good, or if you are making a good impression? Sometimes I think so. Have a person that is care-free and another one that is more restrained, or simply in a different way, and would fit in a different crowd.

I think this is mostly because sometimes I feel trapped. In my body, in my life, in my relationships, in this society. Trapped and forced to do certain things, behaviour certain ways, be this kind of person.

I wish I could be two different people. People of my choosing.

You?

Evanescence - "Tourniquet"

Inner Thought

My new saying and path in life is "Find Yourself. Be Yourself. Love Yourself."

While I have felt in the past that I have moved from different stages in this saying, I now feel that I am still within the "Find Yourself" segment. Parts of myself are solidly formed and will never changed. And in certain matters I am very set in myself, but not in every way. I am working on this now and have re-devoted myself to inner thought. Hopefully this will help me reclaim some happiness.

A major problem I continually run into, and dislike myself for, is the need for someone else. I want more than anything to be a self fulfilling person, who can be strong, happy, and make change in the world with just me, not dependent on any one else. I have tried hard to get there. Continually. And I always will. But I cannot seem to move past the desire or yearning for at least some one to share my life changes with; some one to help become a strong and independent person; some one to be truly interested in my life and who I can share an interest in theirs; someone who will hold me tight when hard times come, 'cause I know they will; just someone to be with.

I am always looking for this person. I sincerely hope they are out there.

Clarity Disrupted

So my brother saw the new bag I purchased, this morning. And he said a few things that I have been lost in thought about ever since. He was very supportive as always so it is not about that at all. But eventually we got into the point in our discussion of it where he said: "It was designed for a woman." He said that we can change who wears it and what people think but not that it was "designed for a woman." Or a man on the other hand. This statement made me think.

My first reaction was anger and I wanted to jump into defense mode. But I stopped myself so that I had more time to think. Our conversation fizzled out, but I am still pondering what he said. It makes me uncomfortable and do not want that to be true, but I have a feeling that it might be. I am not sure what to think, or how to counteract this observation.

My deep thoughts on the subject, at least as of now, have been to no avail. So I am putting the subject out here so that hopefully I can find some clarity on it, and hopefully someone will comment and give me their opinion on this. I see trouble for PronounMe if I cannot get past this.

Please comment.