Blah Blah Blah (Not the song)

So just some boring stuffage followed by some stuffage that is maybe only interesting to me. Enjoy!

I have resurrected my tumblelog. I got rid of it before because I could not figure out several things and did not want to put the time in to fix them. I have now (well sort of). I am still keeping this one, which will be for more in-depth thoughts and longer text posts. My tumblr will be an in-between blog-thing bigger than Twitter, but smaller than this blog. It is easy for me to share pictures, videos, quotes, links, and small posts there (and because I am lazy this means I will update it more often). However, I like blogger for longer text posts and, as of right now, I have not figured out an easy comment system on Tumblr, so posts that I put more heart into (that I wish to have comments on) will be posted here.

So, yes, if you like the plentiful updates of Twitter but want a little more, follow me on Tumblr.

http://pronounme.tumblr.com/

In other news, well, there isn't really anything. For some reason I feel the need to write this now: I have recently been working on a "confessions" letter of sorts. Basically, it is a note to the closest of my friends explaining and simply just informing them of the terrible things that have happened to me this last semester and a half. I just felt they deserved to know, since I have failed as a friend to them for a while and have not talked to them

I am working on talking to people about my real problems. I usually deal with them myself and lock it all away. At the same time, however, I usually try and act like I confide in people and ask them for help. To do this I usually talk at length about issues that really aren't bugging me as much as I let on. I tell people what I want to tell them, for the responses I wish to get. I am working around this now; I have repaired it a lot with members of my family, but I have really only truly confided in and told the situation to one of my friends.

Anyway, I have this letter almost ready, but now I am struggling to send it. Sometimes I want to more than anything. Other times I see how difficult other peoples' lives are at the moment and I do not want to make things worse, so I want to keep it to myself. Eventually I will send it to them. I just don't want to bother them or make them think that I am just complaining to get attention. I do very much miss my wonderful friends, however, and feel that I am the farthest from all of them (and everyone) that I have ever been.

You probably didn't need to read that.

Oh, I have also decided that I would like to start tracking and documenting many of the mood changes I go through. They seem to tell so much about me, and recently have been changing drastically and often. I am not sure how to chronicle such things though. Dilemma.

C*Nicole Loves You!

Purple Nail Polish = Fail

It's true. I was very disappointed. If you find me some purple nail polish that works wonderfully, well, then you'd be wonderful.

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Part of Your World (C*Nicole Style!)

I am video happy. Here is me, yet again, making a fool of myself on camera. I've only ever wanted to be a Disney princess. So, yes. This is what happens :)

Enjoy!

If you make a video for me singing a song (ANY SONG) I will pretty much love you forever. Send it to me somehow! :)

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PronounMe is back on YouTube!

Hi guys! Conor Nicole here!

The months of PronounMe YouTube darkness are over!! I brought it back, and it is more fabulous than evaaaaahhhh!!

So go watch. Yes, NOW! What better do you have to do anyway? Yeah, ok then. WATCH!

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A Split in Personality

I asked one of my closest friends the other day whether they ever felt as if they had two people, or at least two conflicting parts of their being and personality, within them. And then further, if they ever felt as if it would be nice or better to be two separate people at times.

Their response was one of agreement, although less so (or in a different way) than how I feel.

Sometimes I get the feeling, or even a strong urge, to be two very different people. Parts of that stem from the fluidity of my gender and sexuality, while other times it feels as though it comes from a more interest-based or living without restraint sort of place.

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a person that you could be, and be exactly who you want all the time, and not worry about what others think, or if they care, or if you look good, or if you are making a good impression? Sometimes I think so. Have a person that is care-free and another one that is more restrained, or simply in a different way, and would fit in a different crowd.

I think this is mostly because sometimes I feel trapped. In my body, in my life, in my relationships, in this society. Trapped and forced to do certain things, behaviour certain ways, be this kind of person.

I wish I could be two different people. People of my choosing.

You?

MeMusic™

MeMusic™, music according to PronounMe, is now online! Music uploads, videos, artist and song reviews and recommendations, unknown artists are all here! Powerful, life-changing songs and artists need a place to be shown to the world. MeMusic™ is that place.

Visit. Listen. Be.

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A Note on Gender

I went to Costco the other day. Partly to shop; partly (mostly) to snack my way through the afternoon.

While I was there I was pleasantly surprised by another family shopping.

From what I could see it was a mother with her three children, two boys and a girl; all under the age of ten it seemed, but definitely old enough to make their own choices of who they are. They were moving the opposite direction as us through the rows so we kept running into them.

What struck me, however, was the pleasant androgyny that the family seemed to have. Let me explain:

The mother was wearing a light colored long skirt, a matching shirt-blouse and tennis shoes. Her hair was medium in length and tied up to look shorter. Clearly feminine, but not overwhelmingly so.

The girl, who was probably the youngest, 7 or 8 maybe, had a simple young girl cut down to her shoulders with a small flower hair clip in the front. She was wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and a graphic tee with a sailboat and sea gulls on it. One of the boys had a similar outfit. The other boy, probably the oldest, had short buzz cut black hair, also wore a graphic tee with what looked like a bands name on it, a long skirt like his mothers but a different color, and those skate shoes with wheels in them. He kept rolling about the cart.

Basically, the reason I was so pleased to see this family and found it important enough to talk about was that it indeed is too rare and fits into several questions that I have recently been pondering on.

First of all, and I fell into this without a hesitation, why do people so inherently need to classify things? Or why do we? That is how our brain works I guess. But it happens with not more than a millisecond of waiting and hardly any thought. As soon as I saw this family I immediately classified each of them according to my perception of their sex. Which ones were biologically male? Female? Based entirely on the social cues they were sending (what they wore? what their bodies looked like? hair? make-up? the way they moved?) It required after-thought on my part to see how quickly and without control I made these classifications. In reality, I had no idea, and still don't, exactly what any of their sexes are. None at all. Let alone their sexuality or gender or life experience or really anything about them.

This didn't stop my immediate classification of each of them, however. Even my reasons for writing about it, my interest in this family in an otherwise un-exciting walk through Costco, are based in my rigid socialization-formed biases about how different sexes present themselves, the genders they typically embody, and even the sexuality that would most likely fit. Well this is absurd. I can tell none of these things from what I saw.

Is it possible to control such brain-washings of socialization?

Secondly, I have been thinking recently about how I might parent a child one day, and because of all the other ponderings I have been dealing with I have wondered how one, as a parent, might deal with gender, sex and sexuality for their children. I do not want to promote the gender binary or any of the limitations that these three categories can yield.

How do you avoid this? Can you?

I have thought more recently that it might be impossible to completely lock out or reject the views socialization usually brings on gender, sex, and sexuality. But hopefully you can to at least some extent.

This leads me back to the family in Costco. I believe this is a great way to raise a child. Basically, make sure that at anytime the child chooses to be whatever they want, you must let them. If they want to wear this or that, play with this or that, whatever. As a parent I don't think you should restrict their choices on the basis of "that is what society has said to do." Ever. Personal choice in these matters is of much more importance.

But then, what do you do with children before they can decide? Or make that decision known?

Do you assume a certain gender on a baby? Dress them in a certain way? Give them certain toys?

How do you deal with this? Thoughts?