Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Bottom & the Falsehood of Such.

It is a common saying that "you have to hit rock-bottom before you can recover" or "know the darkness before you can see the light."

I understand where this comes from. I believe it now.

You can fake it. Fake the emotion. Fake the pain. The world may never even know. But everyone has a different rock-bottom; a different set of things that will bring them down; a different set of failures and mistakes. You need to reach it if you are to overcome it.

As for me, well, the jury is out on that one. Who knows if there is farther for me to fall? Who knows if I can get past it? What I need to get past it? Or if I even know of it yet?

All I know is this: the pain and the low I am in now are anything but fake.

I can fake anything. Any emotion that I want you to see is the one you will see. If only you knew how fake it all is. How fake most things I do, say... feel are. Falsehoods are extreme when you have to look back on your life to notice them. You get so caught up in the lie you are living, the fake pain or happiness you are projecting on the world that it almost becomes your life. It almost becomes you.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and try to count and keep track of all the personas I have created. Some are for good reason, some are for protection or happiness or love. Others I look at, and no matter how hard I try I cannot find a reason for them. A purpose for them being there. And yet I uphold them without so much as a flinch.

Perhaps it is Karma? I wouldn't classify myself as a necessarily bad person. On the contrary, the main victim of everything I do is me. But I am still a liar. I am fake.

It is easy to fake oppression, hate, strength, and fear when you have none. Why I did this? I do not know. It is all different when you have them. When they appear and never leave your thoughts. When they constantly and forever darken your horizon. When they control your life.

It is easy to be strong when the only things your strength is fighting are in your mind.

This is not easy.


Post a Comment