Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Ask me. I promise I won't bite.

Ask me. I promise I won't bite.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hatred in Uganda Justified with Christianity

I have nothing against the Christian faith. I love the people who follow and believe in it. I love the people who actually follow its messages of love, compassion, and help for all mankind.

This video shows, however, the dark side of the Christian religion (as there are sides to all religions) and the hateful acts that some people in the world use Christianity as an excuse or justification for.

I don’t understand why people must jump to hatred in the face of a problem that does not exist. Homosexuals are not pedophiles and do not have a master agenda to take over the Christian civilization as Scott Lively suggests. People say he has the right to say what he wants. But he does not have the right to spread hatred through outright lies and do so under the pretense of love and protecting values. He is a hateful person and, in my mind, not a true Christian. That is all I see in him.

People like this, who use Christianity to justify hatred (including murder and life imprisonment) are the true threat to Christian society. I would be worried about them destroying all that is good in that religion.

After much world hype and denouncement of the bill, it was rejected in the form you see in this video, but is still under consideration by the government in Uganda and still includes the death penalty for repeat offenders or those with HIV.

Information on this was heavily in the news a few months ago, but now has fallen off considerably as news concentrates more on DADT and ENDA in the U.S. This problem in Uganda, however, has not gone away and is still extremely dangerous. And on the larger scale, the immense hatred that is being justified with Christianity is appalling and incredibly destructive towards the religions ideals.

We must not forget that this is still happening in the world so that we can remember to fight it.

Spread Love. Stop Hate.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What do you think?

The full post, including a photo, is on my tumblog and can be seen here.

I received this comment on my video “Purple Nail Polish= Fail” a couple of days ago. I had several thoughts. First, I was taken aback. Second, I was pleased. Third, I was a little upset. I stayed with this last feeling for this reasoning: From my view point I was presenting more as a boy than a girl in that particular video (as far as physical appearence). Only my shoulders and above were showing, so maybe I am mistaken and I was presenting a lot more like a female than I thought. But, I think this comment was actually more based in the fact that I (presenting more as a boy) was talking about nail polish. And this confused the person. Anyway, I am a mix of emotions on it.

What do you think about it?

And as an after-thought, neither of this persons’ guesses as to type of nail polish were correct. Just sayin’

Monday, March 8, 2010

Blah Blah Blah (Not the song)

So just some boring stuffage followed by some stuffage that is maybe only interesting to me. Enjoy!

I have resurrected my tumblelog. I got rid of it before because I could not figure out several things and did not want to put the time in to fix them. I have now (well sort of). I am still keeping this one, which will be for more in-depth thoughts and longer text posts. My tumblr will be an in-between blog-thing bigger than Twitter, but smaller than this blog. It is easy for me to share pictures, videos, quotes, links, and small posts there (and because I am lazy this means I will update it more often). However, I like blogger for longer text posts and, as of right now, I have not figured out an easy comment system on Tumblr, so posts that I put more heart into (that I wish to have comments on) will be posted here.

So, yes, if you like the plentiful updates of Twitter but want a little more, follow me on Tumblr.

In other news, well, there isn't really anything. For some reason I feel the need to write this now: I have recently been working on a "confessions" letter of sorts. Basically, it is a note to the closest of my friends explaining and simply just informing them of the terrible things that have happened to me this last semester and a half. I just felt they deserved to know, since I have failed as a friend to them for a while and have not talked to them

I am working on talking to people about my real problems. I usually deal with them myself and lock it all away. At the same time, however, I usually try and act like I confide in people and ask them for help. To do this I usually talk at length about issues that really aren't bugging me as much as I let on. I tell people what I want to tell them, for the responses I wish to get. I am working around this now; I have repaired it a lot with members of my family, but I have really only truly confided in and told the situation to one of my friends.

Anyway, I have this letter almost ready, but now I am struggling to send it. Sometimes I want to more than anything. Other times I see how difficult other peoples' lives are at the moment and I do not want to make things worse, so I want to keep it to myself. Eventually I will send it to them. I just don't want to bother them or make them think that I am just complaining to get attention. I do very much miss my wonderful friends, however, and feel that I am the farthest from all of them (and everyone) that I have ever been.

You probably didn't need to read that.

Oh, I have also decided that I would like to start tracking and documenting many of the mood changes I go through. They seem to tell so much about me, and recently have been changing drastically and often. I am not sure how to chronicle such things though. Dilemma.

C*Nicole Loves You!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Purple Nail Polish = Fail

It's true. I was very disappointed. If you find me some purple nail polish that works wonderfully, well, then you'd be wonderful.

Rate. Comment. Subscribe. on YouTube!


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Part of Your World (C*Nicole Style!)

I am video happy. Here is me, yet again, making a fool of myself on camera. I've only ever wanted to be a Disney princess. So, yes. This is what happens :)


If you make a video for me singing a song (ANY SONG) I will pretty much love you forever. Send it to me somehow! :)

<3 's

Ask me anything

Monday, February 22, 2010

PronounMe is back on YouTube!

Hi guys! Conor Nicole here!

The months of PronounMe YouTube darkness are over!! I brought it back, and it is more fabulous than evaaaaahhhh!!

So go watch. Yes, NOW! What better do you have to do anyway? Yeah, ok then. WATCH!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Split in Personality

I asked one of my closest friends the other day whether they ever felt as if they had two people, or at least two conflicting parts of their being and personality, within them. And then further, if they ever felt as if it would be nice or better to be two separate people at times.

Their response was one of agreement, although less so (or in a different way) than how I feel.

Sometimes I get the feeling, or even a strong urge, to be two very different people. Parts of that stem from the fluidity of my gender and sexuality, while other times it feels as though it comes from a more interest-based or living without restraint sort of place.

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a person that you could be, and be exactly who you want all the time, and not worry about what others think, or if they care, or if you look good, or if you are making a good impression? Sometimes I think so. Have a person that is care-free and another one that is more restrained, or simply in a different way, and would fit in a different crowd.

I think this is mostly because sometimes I feel trapped. In my body, in my life, in my relationships, in this society. Trapped and forced to do certain things, behaviour certain ways, be this kind of person.

I wish I could be two different people. People of my choosing.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010


MeMusic™, music according to PronounMe, is now online! Music uploads, videos, artist and song reviews and recommendations, unknown artists are all here! Powerful, life-changing songs and artists need a place to be shown to the world. MeMusic™ is that place.

Visit. Listen. Be.

Monday, February 1, 2010

A Note on Gender

I went to Costco the other day. Partly to shop; partly (mostly) to snack my way through the afternoon.

While I was there I was pleasantly surprised by another family shopping.

From what I could see it was a mother with her three children, two boys and a girl; all under the age of ten it seemed, but definitely old enough to make their own choices of who they are. They were moving the opposite direction as us through the rows so we kept running into them.

What struck me, however, was the pleasant androgyny that the family seemed to have. Let me explain:

The mother was wearing a light colored long skirt, a matching shirt-blouse and tennis shoes. Her hair was medium in length and tied up to look shorter. Clearly feminine, but not overwhelmingly so.

The girl, who was probably the youngest, 7 or 8 maybe, had a simple young girl cut down to her shoulders with a small flower hair clip in the front. She was wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and a graphic tee with a sailboat and sea gulls on it. One of the boys had a similar outfit. The other boy, probably the oldest, had short buzz cut black hair, also wore a graphic tee with what looked like a bands name on it, a long skirt like his mothers but a different color, and those skate shoes with wheels in them. He kept rolling about the cart.

Basically, the reason I was so pleased to see this family and found it important enough to talk about was that it indeed is too rare and fits into several questions that I have recently been pondering on.

First of all, and I fell into this without a hesitation, why do people so inherently need to classify things? Or why do we? That is how our brain works I guess. But it happens with not more than a millisecond of waiting and hardly any thought. As soon as I saw this family I immediately classified each of them according to my perception of their sex. Which ones were biologically male? Female? Based entirely on the social cues they were sending (what they wore? what their bodies looked like? hair? make-up? the way they moved?) It required after-thought on my part to see how quickly and without control I made these classifications. In reality, I had no idea, and still don't, exactly what any of their sexes are. None at all. Let alone their sexuality or gender or life experience or really anything about them.

This didn't stop my immediate classification of each of them, however. Even my reasons for writing about it, my interest in this family in an otherwise un-exciting walk through Costco, are based in my rigid socialization-formed biases about how different sexes present themselves, the genders they typically embody, and even the sexuality that would most likely fit. Well this is absurd. I can tell none of these things from what I saw.

Is it possible to control such brain-washings of socialization?

Secondly, I have been thinking recently about how I might parent a child one day, and because of all the other ponderings I have been dealing with I have wondered how one, as a parent, might deal with gender, sex and sexuality for their children. I do not want to promote the gender binary or any of the limitations that these three categories can yield.

How do you avoid this? Can you?

I have thought more recently that it might be impossible to completely lock out or reject the views socialization usually brings on gender, sex, and sexuality. But hopefully you can to at least some extent.

This leads me back to the family in Costco. I believe this is a great way to raise a child. Basically, make sure that at anytime the child chooses to be whatever they want, you must let them. If they want to wear this or that, play with this or that, whatever. As a parent I don't think you should restrict their choices on the basis of "that is what society has said to do." Ever. Personal choice in these matters is of much more importance.

But then, what do you do with children before they can decide? Or make that decision known?

Do you assume a certain gender on a baby? Dress them in a certain way? Give them certain toys?

How do you deal with this? Thoughts?

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I have a tendency to proclaim things to the world. It goes well with my the-world-can-shove-it attitude. Things are so much easier when you put something out there and give the world an ultimatum: deal with me or shut the hell up. At least they are for me.

So, I proclaim things. It keeps me from having to really think about myself and what I want; both of which are really hard for me to do. Especially since I don't tend to "fit in," if that is even possible. I never have.

For the last few years I have taken the approach of always needing to fight. For me, and for others like me. I am not like you, well, I am going to fight until you get used to it. This way of things really has consumed me. Now I fight without thinking. I fight people that really are not against me; people I should never fight.

It is time for me to end both.

I should do things for me. Not for the world. Not to fit in. Not to give advice that I really know nothing of. The only say I have, the only experience I have is my own. I should not presume to think that anyone goes through the same things or is the same; so how can I give advice? I won't anymore; at least for the reasons I have in the past.

Who I am, who I want to be, what I like, and how I feel are of no consiquence to the world. They belong to me. I have control over them, and they belong to me. They are mine. I do not need to proclaim them, or even share them.

They are mine.

The fighting and antagonism is done. I don't need them. The world doesn't need more of them. I will stand up for me and protect me, but I will do so rationally, thoughtfully, and with full control of the reasons I am fighting.

It is time I live for me.


Saturday, January 23, 2010

Do you ever...

Do you ever get caught in the pain?

It flies around in your head endlessly. Sometimes it is barely noticeable; you might even swear it is gone and reassure everyone that loves you that you are all better. Life returns to normal, if there is such a thing. You move on, if that is possible. You are happy, if that was not a lie. Then you wake up and it is back in full force; consuming your entire life, your entire identity.

What changed? Was it you? Was it life? Was it the darkness that now, once again, pulls you down in flames?

Do you ever get lost in yourself?

Unsure and questioning. Wondering if you are who you think you are, or wish you would be. Wondering if the life you call your own really belongs to you at all; if you have any control over it; if you can get anything out of it. Externally you project a person who knows who they are, and fights for every piece with all their power. But inside there is no certainty, no control, no knowledge at all about who you are.

Do you ever lie to save yourself? To love yourself? To be yourself?

The lie becomes you. Controls you. Is you. You are smart, and logical, and you keep everything perfectly organized. Each lie processed and controlled and sent out, without any flaw, to the right person at the right time. You never get caught; not about the important things; not about the things you actually want to stay hidden. An expert of "spin" you could say. Things go the way you want, because you make it that way. Is there sincerity?

Do you ever sit in the dark, lost in the song that is on repeat in your head, and pray for it to take you away from everything?

Do you ever isolate yourself, saying that it is for protection, but knowing all along that it is self-destruction in its utmost form?

Do you ever feel empty and forgotten? Cry when there is no communication for days, weeks, months? Fall further knowing that you give no signs as to your pain; make no efforts as to ask for help; show no love for those closest to your heart?

Do you ever wish, pray, and beg to be something or someone you are not? When you know that the person you wish to be is impossible?

Do you ever feel this? Love them?Mean that? But say this? Control life? Lose? Win? Die? Live?

Do you?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Does it make you a bad person?

Does it make you a bad, shallow, pissy, greedy person if you like to look beautiful? If you like to dress nice? Like to have expensive things? Wish for money?

These are by no means the only things I care about or wish for, but they are definitely there.

I love shopping for pretty things and buying nice clothes. I love looking good (even though I probably don't). I hate it so much but it feels good to look good and there is an uncontrollable feeling of happiness (a small one, but still) when you have money.

Do other people feel this? Does it make me bad? Or is it just there?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Bottom & the Falsehood of Such.

It is a common saying that "you have to hit rock-bottom before you can recover" or "know the darkness before you can see the light."

I understand where this comes from. I believe it now.

You can fake it. Fake the emotion. Fake the pain. The world may never even know. But everyone has a different rock-bottom; a different set of things that will bring them down; a different set of failures and mistakes. You need to reach it if you are to overcome it.

As for me, well, the jury is out on that one. Who knows if there is farther for me to fall? Who knows if I can get past it? What I need to get past it? Or if I even know of it yet?

All I know is this: the pain and the low I am in now are anything but fake.

I can fake anything. Any emotion that I want you to see is the one you will see. If only you knew how fake it all is. How fake most things I do, say... feel are. Falsehoods are extreme when you have to look back on your life to notice them. You get so caught up in the lie you are living, the fake pain or happiness you are projecting on the world that it almost becomes your life. It almost becomes you.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and try to count and keep track of all the personas I have created. Some are for good reason, some are for protection or happiness or love. Others I look at, and no matter how hard I try I cannot find a reason for them. A purpose for them being there. And yet I uphold them without so much as a flinch.

Perhaps it is Karma? I wouldn't classify myself as a necessarily bad person. On the contrary, the main victim of everything I do is me. But I am still a liar. I am fake.

It is easy to fake oppression, hate, strength, and fear when you have none. Why I did this? I do not know. It is all different when you have them. When they appear and never leave your thoughts. When they constantly and forever darken your horizon. When they control your life.

It is easy to be strong when the only things your strength is fighting are in your mind.

This is not easy.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


So I go to bookstores and read random books. It's what I do. The other day I decided to go to the Philosophy section. I love that section.

Anyway, I found all these philosophy books on TV shows, Movies, and games. It surprised me.

I had no idea that there was such a niche as writing philosophy books on different entertainments. I didn't have time to read many of them but it was still cool.
Star Trek, Twilight, Star Wars, The Simpsons, House, Final Fantasy, Seinfeld, The Matrix, and Heroes were just a few of the books they had.

It is true, philosophy is about EVERYTHING.

I am going back to that section for sure.

A Trip to Target. Always worth while!

Pia, Harriet, and I went to Target after breakfast. 'Cause why would we NOT go to Target? Here's what we found...

Well, first, apparently it is basically Valentines day as Target was decked out in pink and hearts were everywhere. You know Target; always on top of things, like, a year before they happen.

Then we came to Hanger Heaven. Look... hangers everywhere!! With a nice label saying "Hangers." Just in case you didn't know what you were looking at. The colorful ones were on the end of the aisle. They weren't quite in Hanger Heaven so they didn't get in the picture. Tear :'(

It's a HEART PILLOW! That's right! And it is huge, hence me being able to hide behind it. It was damn soft, but shocked me when I put it down. Pia grabbed a smaller one, obviously.

And this doesn't even cover the make-up, nail polish, crayons, stickers, journals, Disney princess', vacuums, storage units, pictures, random-telephone-conversations, a visit to Lili, rainboots, or gummy vitamins that the lady told us all about and said that adults could use. That all happened too. Gotta love the big red Target!

Btw, it is not Valentines yet people. Just so we are clear.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Evanescence - "Tourniquet"

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Contact Me

I am not gone. (Well in some ways)

You can contact me in all of the following ways:

Phone. I always have it. I will not be posting my number. But if you want it 'cause for some reason you don't have it, well, ask me for it.

Emails: Plentiful! &

I always have them open so I will get any messages right away.

The Natasha facebook is still up as well. Just search for Natasha Nicole or go to I will add anyone.

Love to you all! I will be back in full eventually. Just need a little space for now.

I'll blog ever nows and thens :)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Life in ruin. I am in a dark place right now. Perhaps darker than ever before. I have been fighting the pull of my life being in shambles. Truthfully, that is a comforting thought. It is not supposed to be and on the surface it affects me conversely. But I always seem to return to a life in "ruin." So it must impart some pleasure, or at least some need.

In the end, it is my ruin to call. It is mine to create, mine to control, mine to fix. My ruin is my life at the moment. And this is not a bad thing.