Saturday, January 23, 2010

Do you ever...

Do you ever get caught in the pain?

It flies around in your head endlessly. Sometimes it is barely noticeable; you might even swear it is gone and reassure everyone that loves you that you are all better. Life returns to normal, if there is such a thing. You move on, if that is possible. You are happy, if that was not a lie. Then you wake up and it is back in full force; consuming your entire life, your entire identity.

What changed? Was it you? Was it life? Was it the darkness that now, once again, pulls you down in flames?

Do you ever get lost in yourself?

Unsure and questioning. Wondering if you are who you think you are, or wish you would be. Wondering if the life you call your own really belongs to you at all; if you have any control over it; if you can get anything out of it. Externally you project a person who knows who they are, and fights for every piece with all their power. But inside there is no certainty, no control, no knowledge at all about who you are.

Do you ever lie to save yourself? To love yourself? To be yourself?

The lie becomes you. Controls you. Is you. You are smart, and logical, and you keep everything perfectly organized. Each lie processed and controlled and sent out, without any flaw, to the right person at the right time. You never get caught; not about the important things; not about the things you actually want to stay hidden. An expert of "spin" you could say. Things go the way you want, because you make it that way. Is there sincerity?

Do you ever sit in the dark, lost in the song that is on repeat in your head, and pray for it to take you away from everything?

Do you ever isolate yourself, saying that it is for protection, but knowing all along that it is self-destruction in its utmost form?

Do you ever feel empty and forgotten? Cry when there is no communication for days, weeks, months? Fall further knowing that you give no signs as to your pain; make no efforts as to ask for help; show no love for those closest to your heart?

Do you ever wish, pray, and beg to be something or someone you are not? When you know that the person you wish to be is impossible?

Do you ever feel this? Love them?Mean that? But say this? Control life? Lose? Win? Die? Live?

Do you?


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